how terrible is it to be someone death can touch??
Not suicidal, but I think about death sometimes.
Death, as a concept, feels distant until it isn’t.
As a Muslim, I was taught that we should be mindful of death, incorporate it into our daily thoughts, and recognize it as an inevitable part of life. The idea is not to fear it, but to prepare for it because it can come at any moment.
But I don’t know anyone who does that, death is not a friend to make plans for, it is a thief of life.
When I think about death, I feel like life should skip to the part where it gets better for all humanity. But what if it skips to the past, when I didn’t exist, maybe the past is the only time it was better????, it’s never going to get better for all humanity????.
I hope not.
But my thoughts are always wondering. If I talk about death the way I think about it, people will think I am suicidal, but it’s because I understand death in a way. It has visited my home when I didn’t want it to (I never wanted it to) and stole a life I never dreamt of losing.
Now I think about death in a personal way.
I often wonder what happens after death. Is there an afterlife where those who have passed are happier, and at peace? Or are they wandering in some unknown place, or waiting for eternity in darkness?
These questions are unanswerable, but they form a big part of how I think about death. It’s not death itself that scares me, it is how I might die. The pain, the suffering, the uncertainty — these are the things that weigh heavily on me.
When I said this to a friend, she looked at me shocked but death is a conversation we should all be having, like we do about living. We will all die, the same way we all live, why do we avoid talking about it?
Perhaps if we talked about it more, we could make peace with it.
Let’s talk about how we wish to die, maybe death will grant us our wishes. Perhaps it won’t sneak up on us and take us in the moments we don’t want it to, and take us when we want it to without pain, without suffering.
Maybe we will have time to prepare for it, like writing a note, eating our favorite meal with those we love, having a shower, dancing to our favorite music, singing a song, taking a walk, wearing a beautiful dress, and calmly embracing it.
Maybe we won’t be scared of it. Maybe we will understand it more and grieve better, maybe not, because we are all still trying to understand life.
Death, as it stands, often feels like a thief.
It takes away joy, causes us immense pain, and leaves us in grief. Sometimes I wonder if death would be more bearable if it were something we could choose. If we could decide when and how to go, perhaps it wouldn’t feel like such a violation, such an unwelcome visitor.
I feel like when death visits your home once, it becomes something you think about more often than not. But maybe I am alone in this.
Love xoxo
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